Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
