i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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