Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
