the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
