So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
