Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
