just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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