I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
