I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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