We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
