Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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