I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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