I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
