you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
