my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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