The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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