that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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