We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
