The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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