after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
