she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
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Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
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