i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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