glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
