Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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