Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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