I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
