I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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