if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
