lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
