I am spending my child support on dildos
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
