I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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