Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
