I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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