You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
