Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize