She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Randomize
