my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
