i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
