i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
