I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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