You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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