Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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