my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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