Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
