M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
