Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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