Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
