last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
