I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
