your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
