I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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