Old men and throwing up are my life now.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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