i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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