Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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