it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
