I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
