foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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