i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Randomize
