Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
