She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
as a side note pls kill me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
