there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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