i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
