NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
