i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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