I wish I could teleport
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
